What is Co-dependency?

So what is co-dependency it is relying on another person for lots of things and sometimes you can even try to be them. If you are co dependant on another person I know how that  feels because I was for the first part of my life very co-dependant on my twin sister for everything. Where she would have to do lots of things for me and she would even answer for me. I very rearly spoke and if I did it was just to just comply with what she wanted. All the decisions were ones where she would make them and I would just go along with her. It took a long time of slow progress and little steps for me to be myself to learn to do things myself.  To do my own thing and to realize that I had separate goals and dreams to her and that really we were not the same at all for a while I felt like we were the same person for the first part of my life. With identitical twins it can be hard because lots of people are telling you continually that you are the same and with us people would say when we were different you can’t be different you have to be the same you are identical twins whenever we would do something different than the other. So with twins it is really important when they are young to treat them as individuals even if they are identical twins. Let them be alone have their own friends and always treat them as seperate people with their own goals. They have their own needs you need to dress them differently and also address them by their name not “the Twins” We would even get a combined present for birthdays and Christmas which makes you feel you are just one person which is not the case at all. Another problem was that we were also bought up in bad domestic violence so this also affected us alot and caused us to have low self esteem and safety issues where we could cling to each other for our safety and would always be together for everything holding hands sleeping in the same bed playing with the same toy never ever apart needing each other to feel safe again and whole.

Lots of people in domestic violence are co-dependant on their partner and with abuse you often end up doing and saying less until the other person completely controls everything and you end up co-dependant on them for your life.  Co-dependency is no good for anyone no one really wins by doing this and we all need to be ourselves and to do our own thing and own our behaviour. Those with low self esteem, poor personal development and addictions or mental health issues often have co- dependency issues. People with co-dependancy issues will value the other person more than themselves which is wrong and not healthy. It is not a good place to be and the sooner you realize this the better and the healthier your life will be. Learn to do your own things and not be reliant on another person for your needs and choices. Those who are like this need to get some help and learn better ways of being and becoming your own person with your own feelings and needs and taking personal responsibilty for your life. Often those affected by domestic violence will stay with an abusive person because they feel so down on themselves that they think they can’t exist without the other person being with them. I know that this was the case for me I felt so useless and low on myself that I felt I needed my abuser to do everything for me and make decisions for me. It was another reason why I could not mentally leave him I was so co-dependant on him for everything I needed emotional, finanical and physical needs were all controlled by him.  It was a hugh shock to me when he was gone that I was now the one in control and I found that very frightening as he had been in complete control of my life and everything for so long.  But it was also good and empowering to finally be safe and not have violence in my life to be able to look after my baby in the way I knew babies needed to be looked after. It took awhile for me to realize that I was actually safe and that I could do what I wanted with my life again. I took very small steps to own my life again and have the control back. I keep waiting for someone to come in and do it for me because I had been conditioned by my abuser that I was not capable of doing anything on my own. I was that useless and crazy and no good for anything and that I needed him to live and do it all for me.

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