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How abuse made me feel so ashamed and very angry

My abuse made me feel so ashamed and very angry

I was very hurt I had been left so neglected

Then i felt dirty inside I had been kept as his prisoner

My baby too

It left me so helpless

I was alone

I had been made a slave to this man

-Natalie Smith

You know what you need!

Don’t let others tell you what you need.

You know what you need.

You are your own expert on you

Only you truly know what you need

Don’t let anyone tell you what you need

Or what you want from your life.

 

Your feelings are telling you what you feel

Don’t let others tell you how you feel.

Only you know how you really feel

Find ways to feed your own soul

Then you will find your own inner peace.

 

You know what you need

You know what is right for you

You know what you really feel

You know how you feel

 

Don’t let others tell you what you need

Only you know how you really feel

and what it is that you need for you.

You are an expert on what you need

 

You know what you need

You know what is right for you

You know what you really feel

You know how you feel

Don’t let others tell you what you need

Only you know how you really feel

and what it is that you need for you.

You are an expert on what you need

In order to feel ok, special and safe.

You know what is right for you

 

You know what you need

You know what is right for you

You know what you really feel

you know how you feel

 

Don’t let others try to tell you what you should have

Or how you feel and think

Because they are not the expert on you

Only you know what it is that you really need

You need to take ownership of your own power

Then you can really find inner peace in your life.

 

You know what you need

You know what is right for you

You know what you really feel

You know how you feel

 

When it feels right it is right

Doing what is right for you

Is what will feed your Soul

And then you are able to shine your own light

To help others after you have helped yourself.

 

You know what you need

You know what is right for you

You know what you really feel

You know how you feel

Lincoln’s Abuse Poem

I  just want to escape!

I feel so down!

I try to reach out for help but no one is there!

No one wants to know about me and how I feel!

There are no services for men like me!

We are so alone with no support available to us!

No one cares about our abuse so it just goes on and on with no answer!

I try to talk to agencies but there are none and they don’t want to know about our problems anyway!

I feel forgotten and invisible and not really even here!

No one asks for our input or what it is we need and want!

There is just nothing available to us!

This is so annoying and depressing to live with every day!

I have been trying to find someone I can talk to

but no one will answer my call!

I try to go to family but they don’t want to know about me!

Its too hard for them to hear my story anyway!

We can go to the police that is our only option they are the only ones there for us who believe us and want to help us at least they try to help us!

But what about an agency why are there none available to us!

Where is the funding for us?

I end up going to someone else because the police are so busy they have no time for us or they send us on to someone else for help!

I wonder how many men are there out there who feel like me!

In this never ending cycle of abuse and nowhere to go!

How Sexual Abuse Made Me Feel

It was painful and it was upsetting.

It caused me lots of distress

I felt very scared.

It was hurtful and I had physical injuries

It was very wrong

It was not quite right

It was abusive

It was assault and it was very violent

It was disturbing to me

It was very frightening to me

I was only sixteen

It was the wrong thing for him to do to me.

It was the wrong behaviour.

I did not feel safe. It was not safe for me

It was unsafe for me to be left alone with him.

It was like living in living hell.

It was so annoying

It was unacceptable for him to do what he did to me.

Sexual abuse is not the answer

No excuse for this behaviour at all

People who do this need to be punished in a Big Way

It is the worst thing that can happen to you.

It is upsetting and depressing

It is against the law

It was not consented to

It was forced.

Did not have my permission for that to take place.

Written by anonymous sexual abuse survivor

My Voice

For so long I never had a voice,

I kept quiet Just to keep the peace

I lived hiding by your side

Kept all my thoughts to myself

They were stuffed down inside

Until one day I found my Voice

 

I felt safe enough to even have a voice

I felt safe enough to have a voice

I felt safe enough to have a voice

a voice, my voice.

 

At school I didn’t fit at all

So you had to do it all for me

I would fall down by your side

you picked me up so I could breathe again

Tightly hold my hand, wipe my tears

You will be okay

I survived with you, always by my side.

 

I felt safe enough to have a voice

I felt safe enough to have a voice

a voice, my voice.

 

At sport we would win every race

we made such a great team.

Swimming with dolphins and sailing on our boat

At home we protected our mother

let her hide in our cupboard

and lied to our father to keep her alive.

We fell down the stairs with her

when she was thrown.

 

I felt safe enough to have a voice

I felt safe enough to have a voice

a voice, my voice.

 

From Harm we tried to keep her safe

We tried to stop the abuse in our home

We didn’t know how to stop the abuse

When we were so young

I was told I was the bad twin,

You were the good one

that nothing I would do would be okay

I was always wrong.

 

I felt safe enough to have a voice

I felt safe enough to have a voice

a Voice, my voice.

 

You see, I was damaged, right from the start

I could never do well at anything I tried

When I told you, you burst into tears and sent a card

It said when one falls down her twin can pick her up

I kept the words of that card safe in my heart

I wasn’t such a burden to you, I was special.

 

I felt safe enough to have a voice

I felt safe enough to have a voice

a voice, my voice.

The Rape Poem

The pain was trapped inside me.

I was too frightened to give it a voice.

My anger grew louder and louder until it vowed all of me.

It had nowhere to go but to hide inside me.

I screamed and screamed but no one came to my aid.

No one helped me!

No one wanted to know how I lived and how I survived.

It was too painful for other people to accept.

I had been forgotten left behind with all my pain still deep inside me.

My screams and pain were lost in the night.

But no one cared, nobody wanted to know.

They all watched from the other side of the road

watched all night with eyes glaring at me

but no action just silence that shouted all around me

they were glued to their windows

They must of thought it was a movie

Watching live violence but this was real this was my life.

But no one cared about my baby and me or my life.

For sometime I was so angry at them

that I had crossed these people off my list of people forever.

They didn’t exist to me any more they were even dead to me.

But now I am learning to forgive them

and for there in-action and help for me.

Now I am trying to use this pain inside me to help others

so it has some where positive to go.

So I can make a positive change for the future of others.

You see all thought this night my body was violently merged with another.

Hour after hour this went on and on.

I had to hide further and further into my own being until I was barely there.

All the while I felt my injured baby

shake violently inside me and in those moments

I didn’t know if it would live.

Could it survive this- I didn’t know.

I felt indescribable pain from feeling this hurt inside me.

I knew that I wanted my baby to live.

I loved it like nothing I had ever loved before.

So I did the only thing I could in those moments of hell.

I prayed for it’s life continually saying loving words to it.

Hoping that it would survive this madness that was violently happening to me.

But then later a miracle happened-my baby lived-

my baby survived the fight of it’s life.

For a while after this violence there was only a shell of me left

My boundaries had been violated pushed and pushed until I was stuck inside myself.

I was forgotten left behind in the dark of night but did anyone care. I think not!

There was nowhere to go and no one to care how I felt.

Did anyone understand my pain? I think not!

You see these horrible memories were stuck to my thoughts

glued there permanently for so long they were all that I saw and felt.

After these events I was changed- I was now damaged goods,

and changed forever left with all these fragmented parts to myself.

But I’ve been trying to put myself together again

To find myself again and to love myself again

Sometimes even now when I look inside.

I know- that I’m still hiding deep inside me.

Then I ask myself will I ever find myself again?

But then I see where I am hiding and I know that yes

there I am that’s a little piece of me that I remember

its still hiding frightened to come out- to be me.

Is it safe to come out?

I ask myself.

Can I show myself again?

Can I ever trust anyone again?

Will I ever be completely whole and unbroken!

Gradually I am getting there more and more every day

so I hope and pray that with love from others and

myself that one day I will be completely whole again.

Now I am trying to use this pain inside me to help others

So it has somewhere positive to go.

Then I can make a positive change for the future.

The System

I’ve been on the systems!

I’ve fought The Cops, The Rules, The Courts, The Family,

The in- laws, The Social Workers, Docs, The DPP, The Judge,

Family Law Court, the Prosecutors and the Doctor.

And still I go, I don’t give up, I just keep working, finding ways

to get some truth, to get someone to listen to my pray.

I just want peace to find some truth, to right a wrong.

To be left alone in peace. To stop the violence, gets it known.

Does anybody out there understand! Oh yes I know where I can go.

Try the refuge. Those girls down there they know I thing or two,

they have been on the system too.

It’s old hat to them now you know, because they have had to do it too.

They know how hard you have to play.

They know the rules, the battles, and the tactics.

So off I go again social worker in hand this time- I’m armed.

I know about self esteem, the cycle, the buyback, the explosion,

And how it all works! I’ve been to the refuge, I’ve done my training.

Next week I’m learning self defense then we will see what happens next!

Let’s see him try to beat me then.

I’ve had them all at my door, now I say let them in.

I’ve got nothing to hide. I’ve done nothing wrong, just been beaten,

threatened, kept a prisoner, raped, starved, burnt, stabbed with a knife,

nearly drowned, run-over by a truck and kept awake for days at a time,

and brain-washed all while I was pregnant with my beautiful child.

so let my partner lie and cheat I don’t care

I’ve done nothing wrong- just protected an innocent child.

stopped him from knowing domestic violence

tried to stop the cycle from continuing.

They say my name down at the Police station

they all go running want to hide.

Know I mean business won’t accept- no lame excuse,

Come back later, ring again, see someone else.

I’ve heard it all I know it well.

I wish those bloody cops got trained- and some of them even had more brains.

I want them to understand I just want peace.

Because I may not even be able to get back to the police station ever again

Oh yes here I am I’m coming back for more

I’ve got my white pages, on the net looking for web sites.

I’m ringing them up MPs, Attorney Generals, and Solicitors, Ministers,

Human Rights Commissioners and Victims Services

I’ve been put on hold- ring again, in a queue waiting an hour,

Wasting precious time and money on these calls.

Then passed from person to person.

Had my rape file lost on some solicitors shelf for weeks,

I’ve even had to sleep alone on some old dirty park bench.

Felt that I was completely forgotten.

Doesn’t anybody out there really understand!

But this battle only just begun I’ll find a way.

I’ll change the system make a difference

then I will make it easier for the next person.

Get some sense! Right this horrible, horrible wrong!

Remember me I’m the Survivor does anybody out there really care.

I’ve got my hand up, screaming loud.

You ring the Police station- they know my name

I’ve been there heaps, now they hide when they see me coming.

Because they know I really mean business.

Sometimes you’re very lucky- you find a good cop one that really understands

Knows how hard this game is to play.

One that knows this might be your last chance to get some help,

To even keep alive! I wish they all got trained, they knew the rules,

Had the experience-then the system would change real quick

If they knew this game is no fun to play all day.

I’ve had the AVOs, seen detectives, made lots of statements,

been a witnesses in the witness box, had plenty of courts experiences.

I have even received my Victims Compensation and I’ve had lots and

lots of counselling so I pretty well know it all by now.

But mostly I know how hard it is to recover and then to move on

You see from all of this experience I’m getting to be an expert on the system now.

I’ve done the system-but yes it still needs work,

needs lots more changes, but I’m working on that too!

What can I say I needed lots of help when I came home from my rape trial,

I was very, very sad and mad!

It did some damaged to my thought process that’s for sure,

I didn’t think that I would make it,

I had to have people looking after me-making sure I was okay.

That I even wanted to go on for more and more

I even had to ask the cops will I get arrested now if I smile or laugh

That’s how damaged the Court Process had made me feel.

I thought that I was the bad guy, even that I was in the wrong.

That everything was my fault and somehow I really

must of really- really deserved it.

It’s been twenty years now since this has begin

Sometimes you can even hear me when I am screaming out loud,

Trying to find someone that actually understands how I really feel.

In the bad days I would even sleep with one eye open,

Having nightmares, and feeling frightened,

Then I’d forget to take my natural- medication.

Get up to check the door and the window once again,

Have to listen to each and every sound.

Making sure I’m safe and no one is in the house.

Watch for the police there they go they’ve just gone past,

Come to check, to make sure- I’m still alive,

Making sure my partner hasn’t gotten to me first!

At least I know I have a chance I might make it to the next day.

For so long I was put in hiding, didn’t exist, couldn’t give out my new address.

But I haven’t left this world just yet, but boy oh boy have I come close.

I have read lots of books, had years of counselling, been to groups,

Written poems, drawn pictures too, done lots of work on my self-esteem,

Done daily affirmations and visualisations too.

I even got asked to tell my story when I got a call from a magazine

Because now they wanted to know the whole truth behind my story.

I even went to see the Attorney General to get them to listen to my story.

I gave them paper work on what was wrong with the so called system-

and how I felt, then I let them read my victim impact statement!

They were sorry when they saw me, realised how upset

I was to talk about what had really happened to me,

All the mistakes and mishandling and to know that

there was even more trauma that had been cruelly done to me!

I got asked tell us what we need to do!

how to make it easier for the next person.

How can we change the system, please tell us exactly what we need to do!

So I did, I told tell them what they need to do.

I gave them a list of things I knew were wrong.

Then I told them how to treat those abuse victims.

Now make sure you don’t cause any more trauma,

treat them carefully, get some training, so you understand

you know exactly what to do, let them tell the whole truth

when in Court and make sure to keep them safe.

When I looked up into their eyes I saw tears

Because I had made them cry you see- it had been there job to look after me.

So off they went to Parliament just about straight away and next week on the news

there were changes so now I know I must have made an impact.

Now everybody has to get trained- so they know exactly what to do!

Then I got asked to do some work for the police training system

so the cops also knew exactly what they had to do.

That was so good because it was one thing I told them

they really needed to do.

Finally I got huge success when my victim’s comp came through.

Couldn’t believe somebody finally got it. Understood, they knew the truth.

They knew how traumatised a person, I really had been.

So I went on holiday-because it was party time.

I drove my new car up the coast with my best friend sitting next to me.

We went all over the Gold Coast to have some fun,

Spent heaps of money on hotels, spas and ice cream

We drank lots of champagne too!

Then I even gave my son some pocket money to spend just on him

Then came home and finally I got my permanent drivers license.

Now you see me driving around, can’t keep me still, I’m on the run.

I even have to watch my speed now.

What a change I’m not frightened now you see.

It’s taken years of hard work to get this far.

But I still have bad days every now and then.

Because I never know what reaction

I will have next day-I may even cry all day.

Then I went to Court to get an APPREHENDED VIOLENCE ORDER it went wrong

And Police got questioned-why they had mucked up with my paper work.

They even left me out with the perpetrator,

Then they locked me a room with my statements-

They told me I had to read and re-read.

Don’t they understand how this made me feel?

For my ex had actually kept me as his prisoner.

They put my ex on the stand and the prosecutor asked him

Are you watched her at all? He answered yes!

And let it stand with no word from anybody. What a disgrace!

I went home and felt very, very mad that my life had gone up in smoke again!

Where’s the justice? How could this be! Did he just admit to watching me?

Without even a question from anybody!

But I was so mad at this that I contacted to Ombudsman’s office

I wanted to get a change to the system so no other victim

went through the same as me.

Then I got a call from a Police Inspector just to tell me

can’t get another APPREHENDED VIOLENCE ORDER because my ex partner is already back in Maximum jail.

He’s done more damage, on to his next victim.

Done exactly the same as what he did to me.

What a mess! Don’t they understand how this makes me feel!

I told the truth, I went to Court, went through all that trauma

Just to have it happen again to the next person.

I really, really want to see this stop! Will this nightmare ever stop!

I even sent a letter to the cops to tell them you must be careful

Now you know. You don’t know what he’s going to do next.

He’s a time bomb waiting to go off. Any day now he will blow.

Because he’s already killed one of you!

Must be very careful watch your P’s & Q’s.

Keep your distance because he’s live you never know what he might do.

Then I got a call from victim’s services just to tell me he’s out of jail again.

His last victim was so traumatised she couldn’t go to Court again.

So they had to let him go. Couldn’t keep him in what a shame.

But they say they are going to watch him close,

because they know he’s going to re-offend again.

He’s on the black list, DPP, Police and Corrective Services are watching too.

Then they ask me will I do it all again?

Will I go to Court with the next person again!

They need to have me on the stand. Tell the truth, and get the jury

to understand just what kind of person and how dangerous he really is.

But there are so many good things that have come out of all this.

My son, the baby that went through all of this horror too!

He amazing because he survived it all too!

Then at school he was really smart and funny too!

He’s been top of the class for years at school and all his friends

Would all line up to be his best-friend.

He’s so popular that for sure.

Now he’s a young adult and has left school he has a full time job too

And got himself a hotted up Holden car and a nice girlfriend too!

If you listen around the town you can even hear him coming

Up the road because he has such a big sound box in the boot of his car.

Now I thank the universe for so many good things

That have come to me from all of this!

And if you want to know some more to this story then you can look at my website

Stopalldomesticviolence.com.au and my charity.

Other poems written about domestic violence

For the sake of poem

For the sake of feeling approval for myself I did as I was told.

For the sake of security I allowed my body to be invaded.

For the sake of being trusted I told every thing that was about myself.

For the sake of emotional security I worked and helped others who hurt me.

For the sake of trusting or being trusted I abandoned myself.

For the sake of denying pleasure to myself I allowed my body to be violated.

For the sake of having intimacy I allowed myself to be physically hurt.

For the sake of survival I denied my true self to be known.

For the sake of peace I continually put myself down.

For the sake of silencing my internal pain I pushed others away

For the sake of feeling of value to myself I attached to others.

 

From Someone You Have Helped

If only I knew then what I know now things would have been so different. After being born to domestic Violence it was inevitable that I would end up in a relationship of domestic violence. It was really all that I knew in life. So the cycle continued for some time until I was angry enough to stand up and say no! no more!

I had all the wrong life skills and my self-esteem was as low as it could be. I already thought that I had no value. So I was a perfect target for Domestic violence because of my childhood I was already scared and alienated from society and so very isolated.

Before I knew what was happening to me I was with a man I thought he was my knight in shinning armour coming to protect me from my father and to carry me away but that was just a lie and a cover, but once I committed to him and was pregnant the scene changed very fast and then before I knew it I was trapped totally trapped with no way out.

That is how it all begin there were no friends, support, knowledge, money or hope I lived like that for so long in total isolation. Paying to die I thought that was my only way out. The damage to my being just keep going verbal, physical, mental, sexual it penetrated further and further into my soul. Until I felt that I was no longer there and living. It has taken a lifetime to repair the damage done to me because layer after layer just keeps coming off me. I was so scared to say to anyone what was really happening to the whole of me and all the different parts of me. I didn’t think there was anybody who would understand how I felt the process that was going on inside of me.

Police would come to my home they would say you won’t live much longer please let us help you. What they said to me couldn’t reach me. I didn’t feel safe enough to let anyone into my world what they said went right over my head drifting past me. I was so damaged I was beyond the level of being able to receive help from others and myself at that time.

But now I’m at the other side I feel that I’ve made it. Bit by bit I’ve managed to stop this process and allowed myself to be helped. I’ve started to trust again and another important fact is that I know that my child will not grow up like me afraid of trusting others. I’ve stopped this horrible cycle of abuse from going on any more. My child will grow up wanting to live, not scared or damaged he will have friends and support. He will have truth to live by and high self- esteem. Also he be assertive because he will know that he has value to the world feeling safe, happy and loved by others and himself. His goal will not be to die to escape from hell.

My mum she is now dead she died from domestic violence from the hate by my father who was looking after her being her carer that is how she died. She just simply gave up wanting to live to experience any more abuse from him. The hate from him just welled up inside her. She wasn’t able to be helped I was not able to reach her. Although I tried very hard in the end I gave up- I got out I couldn’t take it any more I wouldn’t let my life be trained with all of this abuse from him. At least I will grow up knowing that I’ve changed I’ve stopped this cycle from continuing to another generation. So now there is no more domestic violence happening in my family because I have killed it forever and replaced it with love and kindness from me.

Suzanne Day

For the sake of poem

For the sake of feeling approval for myself I did as I was told.

For the sake of security I allowed my body to be invaded.

For the sake of being trusted I told every thing that was about myself.

For the sake of emotional security I work and helped others who hurt me.

For the sake of trusting or being trusted I abandoned myself.

For the sake of denying pleasure to myself I allowed my body to be violated.

For the sake of having intimacy I allowed myself to be physically hurt.

For the sake of survival I denied my true self to be known.

For the sake of peace I continually put myself down.

For the sake of silencing my internal pain I pushed others away

For the sake of feeling of value to myself I attached to others.

Jenny Jenny

Jenny, Jenny, you were there when I was born.

You picked me up and held me close.

Helped to feed, bathe and dress me.

Pushed me around in the pram.

Comforted me when I cried myself to sleep.

Jenny Jenny you were there for me

Always did you care for me

care for me, care for me.

Later when I didn’t do well at school

you were their cause your a teacher

and you coached me so I could learn.

And I wasn’t bullied at school for being so stupid.

I would spend school holiday with you

where I would have so much fun and you would spoilt me

with lots of pancakes and ice cream.

Jenny Jenny you were there for me

Always did you care for me.

Care for me, care for me.

You were their at my labour up to the hospital

you went looking for a kind doctor to help me.

Later when my son was born you were their to guild me.

Always an extra hand to help me.

Gave me lots of clothes for my baby because I had none.

My son looked on you as extra support and

someone to always go to.

Jenny Jenny you were there for me.

Always did you care for me.

Care for me care for me,

When my abuser locked me in a house and abused me

you where there to give me hope.

There you would be to ring me again and again.

When my abuser tried to kill me you stepped in

and said no to me marring him.

You would look for me in the street when

I had run away from him and take me back

to your home and feed me and give me some where to sleep.

Jenny Jenny you were there for me

Always did you care for me.

Care for me, care for me.

When you heard I had tried to take my life

You told me that your heart had suddenly stopped.

You were that sad because of me.

When I look at photos of me

there I am upon your knee or your arm around me.

You ring me weekly to check on me

make sure I am doing okay.

It plainly clear that you love me.

Jenny Jenny you were there for me

Always did you care for me.

Care for me, care for me.

I am with you every Christmas and birthday

and you would spend time making great food just for me

and to spoil me again.

You have always been the best sister ever

cause I know that you love and care for me.

That why I am writing this song for you cause

I know that you love me and I want to thank you!

My Fault

Its my fault I am to blame shove it all on to me.

I feel angry at the world feel like I want to scream and shout

jump up and down and to even explode at everyone.

But no one is listening to me or hearing me.

They can’t see me or feel my pain how violated I feel inside again.

How I take it out on me don’t feel safe enough

to get angry at anyone else so I take it out on me.

The pain just keeps building inside me more

layers of abuse to overcome.

More people I have to stand up too

don’t they understand I can’t

I don’t feel safe enough to say no

to stand up for me and what I believe.

They don’t get what happened to me,

how violated and debased I was

how no one cared or helped me.

How abandoned I feel inside now.

How I don’t trust the system or others now to protect me.

How I want to run away and end it all

put a stop to all this pain that keeps growing

stronger and stronger.

How I was left to do it all on my own with no help from others.

Left in a hopeless situation with no way out

That was always going to be my fault again.

Now nothing makes any sense nothing is in order

or how it should be, how I like it to be.

So that I know what is going on so I feel safe.

Feel like I am being punished for

something that I haven’t even done.

Again they say it’s my fault, more pain,

more stupid answers that don’t make any sense.

They don’t get that no where is safe for me,

no where that I can have any peace

know what is really happening to me.

Again I have to have what they want

what others want not what I want.

The pressure is on, the phone rings again,

someone is at the door,

appointments to go and no time for me,

no time to relax and do what I enjoy.

To do things how like them done

in my own way without control from others.

I’d love to scream, to cry but I can’t

the feelings are all stuck inside

not able to get out or express themselves in a safe way.

My fault again they say but don’t they know

that’s not really the case they blame their mess on me

make it my fault again,

Make it so I have to fix up their stupid mistakes

waste my valuable time.

Don’t they understand it’s just another layer

for me to have to overcome to work through.

Little Jimmy

Bundle of Joy the love of my life.

You have such a special place in my heart

always will do always have

Your birth was the best thing to ever happen to me

You came at exactly the right time in my life

Kept me going and strong for so long

something good in my life to look forward to and to love.

Your calm smile won me over when I thought

you were to good for me to have.

When I was living in the darkest of lives

when all hope had been ripped from my heart

you where there at that special moment to light my way.

A special magical beings sent straight from heaven

You gave me so much fun and laughter with your

cheeky grin and funny cute happy ways.

It wasn’t long before everybody who saw you

adored you because you were such a bundle of joy

So many people who you will never know

gave you all that you needed at that time just for you.

I have so much to be thankful for

to have you be a part of my life

You have always been such a joy to me

and to everyone else that’s because you were

such a special being sent for me and the world to love.

Strong

I use to feel so strong, so beautiful that I could have it all,

that I had so much power.

That I could have anything I wanted,

even that I was with my prince who loved all of me.

You said you would keep me safe and you were all that I needed

and had my best interest at heart.

But you took all my power away with your negative words and thoughts of me till we had become as one.

Across the room I would go into the wall with my little baby still inside me.

You poked me, hit me, burnt me, slapped me, shock me and beat me again and again!

My organs aching inside from your abuse.

My body would even shake as soon as you came close to me.

I responded by burying my feelings and thoughts inside,

letting only doubts show.

I was too afraid to let anything out, because I believed

I had no value to me or anyone.

No one was able to rescue me not even myself.

There was no mental strength left this love I so craved even broke me inside.

That pedestal you placed me upon was knocked out from under me.

Then I found that I was stuck inside of me

All I had was dead silence from within me.

Those strong bars kept me trapped so you could now control me and they kept me from escaping from you.

I became your perfect victim and you did just adore me,

you even told me I was your dream come true.

But living there with you did something to my soul, it took my soul away.

I found I couldn’t even breath, couldn’t take a simple step.

I had no clue of what to do how to even respond to you.

Those evil words you said to me just penetrated right into my soul

then my world came crashing down.

I was afraid to be me to let my soul even shine again for all to see!

I now hide afraid to have anyone know me or to even touch me from inside.

Afraid of holding that much power to be loved that much again.

I hide my fragile soul keeping myself

safe to not ever be in that much danger ever again.

I need to work on myself again do some inner work on me.

Overcome my fears, search out my dreams hiding in my fragile soul,

Change those negative words replaying in my head again and again

Let myself be powerful again, hold my own inner strength,

then I will really shine again!

Hear Me

I screamed out loud but no one could hear me, hear me.

I was invisible to them they didn’t hear me, hear me.

They saw me but didn’t act they said they didn’t hear me, hear me.

Now I am lost inside because no one heard me

I was invisible to them they didn’t hear me, hear me

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me.

My heart has now closed because no one heard me.

I was invisible to them they didn’t hear me, hear me,

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me.

I am trying to find my way because no one heard me,

I was invisible to them they didn’t hear me, hear me

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me.

I screamed out loud but no one could hear me, hear me,

I was invisible to them they didn’t hear me, hear me

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me.

I wonder if I will ever find my way because no one heard me,

I am invisible to them because they didn’t hear me, hear me.

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me.

I kept screaming out loud but no one could hear me, hear me,

I am invisible to them because they didn’t hear me, hear me.

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me.

I am now in another world because no one could hear me, hear me.

I am invisible to them because they didn’t hear me, hear me.

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me.

I lost faith in my world that night

I am invisible to them because they didn’t hear me, hear me

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me.

I have now lost hope because they didn’t hear me, hear me.

I am invisible to them because they didn’t hear me, hear me

They say they didn’t hear me, hear me..

Dad’s Song

You said I was no good

That I was made from leftovers

The bits that were no good for anything.

That it was ok for my abuser to do anything that he wanted to me.

That it didn’t matter was not important for me.

That you did not care what happened to me.

But Dad you didn’t care what happened to me

You told my abuser to go ahead and to abuse me.

That it did not matter to me or to anyone.

You gave him permission to abuse me.

When my son was born you said that he would have no value

because he came from me.

That he had no value did not matter.

That I needed to remember that after all

I have no value so my son would have no value too!

But dad you didn’t care what happened to me

You told my abuser to go ahead and to abuse me.

That it did not matter to me or to anyone.

You gave him permission to abuse me.

My abuser asked you for your permission to marry me.

You told him that you could not give me away

because you had already thrown me away

that I have no use, was no good for anything.

But dad you didn’t care what happened to me

You told my abuser to go ahead and to abuse me.

That it did not matter to me or to anyone.

You gave him permission to abuse me.

Even my abuser was shocked at the words

coming out of your mouth about me,

he told you he did not need your permission to marry me

That he would marry me anyway with out your consent.

That you should spend some time with me

that you might get a big surprise

on what a kind care person I am

and how much value I have to the world.

But dad you didn’t care what happened to me

You told my abuser to go ahead and to abuse me.

That it did not matter to me or to anyone.

You gave him permission to abuse me.

Is it any wonder I struggle with self esteem that I have none.

All my life I have been branded the bad one,

the twin with no value that I was valueless.

That’s what you told me over and over again.

No good, no good, no good for anything, the bad one.

That’s what you said to me when I was young.

But dad you didn’t care what happened to me

You told my abuser to go ahead and to abuse me.

That it did not matter to me or to anyone.

You gave him permission to abuse me.

I know that you struggle with feeling insecure too

But this damage that you have started

has now gone to the third generation

don’t you think its time its stopped!

That we stop this horrible cycle of no self esteem in our family.

But dad you didn’t care what happened to me

You told my abuser to go ahead and to abuse me.

That it did not matter to me or to anyone.

You gave him permission to abuse me.

To the NSW Police Commisioner

Sorry I just want you to say sorry.

That is all I want just one simple word.

It would make such a difference to me Take away my internal pain and sorrow.

Make me feel you understand my hidden pain.

I know it was not done purposely or with malice.

But the damage it did to my soul was everlasting And it just goes on and on.

I still self harm blame myself think that I was in the wrong somehow.

That I don’t have enough value for police to help me.

I feel guilty and shamed when they come to take me to the hospital for self harm.

Still feel unworthy of help Maybe you should check out my hospital file its pretty big full with self harm done years after the abuse.

For years I have remembered that day And how I felt the betrayal to had to bear.

As well as all the sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture I went through I had to bear that pain too! I don’t want any money I just want your word.

That simple little word would do so much healing for me.

Make me feel that you know that you understand! That a great wrong was done to me! I need to know that no one else will have to go through So much horrific pain too! To know I made a difference helped another life have a better journey.

That the police procedures have changed and improved since what happened to me.

Those horrible feelings from sexual abuse and then betrayal too.

Like me will give me so much peace.

So please just give me that simple word.

That is all I need one simple little word straight from your heart.

Please before you go I ask you to do this simple little thing for me, That it will never happen to anyone else like what happened to me.

You were there!

You were there!
You were there for me!
When I couldn’t breath!
When I couldn’t talk!
When I fell down upon the ground
From the shock of trying to be myself
Standing strong right next to me there you would be.
You would be there to guide my way
You held my hand while I was shaking
Always did you stand along aside me
Pat my back and hold my hand
Never ever did you leave my side not even for a moment
Every day at school there you would be
Did all my school work for me
Even my homework too.
You waited till
I was able to breath again
You were always there for me
You were like a shining light to guide my way
It felt like we were as one joined together and never able to be apart.
I thought that our souls were as one.
That we would never ever be able to be apart.
But time showed me that we could
Your kindness to me gave me the strength
Until I was able to stand by myself
To function without you standing next to me.
Till I could be as one and felt my own power
Then you would stand next to me and smile and be my friend
That was how I grew and found my own strength
With you standing supportively next to me
You were there for me
You were always there for me like a true sister is.