Its true that a victim is not to blame for there abuse from another person but they also need to take some responsibility for what they are attracting into their life. An abuser is always to blame for the abuse but the victim needs to stop being a victim and become a survivor and learn better ways of living and for not attracting or needing or allowing abuse in there life. A victim is responsible for working on their own issues and improving their life and doing better and knowing better. For improving their self esteem and how they react to situations in there life. Having knowledge and experience will help with this and can be a great tool to help with this situation. You can’t control what other people do and behave but you can control how your react to it, this can take a bit of time to be able to to do this and can be hard but with practice and knowledge you can do it. I don’t believe it is victim blaming to say that a victim is attracting abuse in there life because even though the abuse that is happening is not there fault on some level they are attracting the abuse to them and they need to work on why they need to have abuse in there life to feel loved. When you don’t need it you don’t have it anymore and I can tell you from experience that is a big relief. When you have lived in an abuse situation for a long time it can be very hard to break this habit and to stop being a victim, to hold some power it is a bit like an addiction but working on you and your issues and your abuse will help to improve your thoughts and feelings from being a victim and needing to live like this to not needing it anymore and seeing it for what it is abuse for knowing that you can do better and you can have better in your life and you don’t deserve abuse.
It is hard to leave an abusive situation but for the safety of you and your children and every body’s well being it is the best situation for everyone. The longer you are living in abuse the worst the damage is to you and your children. Sometimes you think that you can help your abuser and that it is your job and responsibility to change and improve and fix your abuser and this can make it hard for you to leave but it is not your responsibility it is your abusers responsibility to fix his problems every body’s behaviour is there responsibility. When abuse has gone on for a long time it can take a lot of personal work to stop being a victim and I am saying this from personal experience because I was a victim in every possible way to every person I meet for most of my life and especially to one of my abusers who had my life at his disposal hourly , daily. I had no boundaries and no self esteem at all and it’s taken me years of personal work and lots of reading and counselling to be able to be different and I am not there completely yet but have made huge progress from where I was. As long as you are making improvements and getting better and better every day that is what counts because it is a long journey of recovery when you have had a lifetime of abuse and conditioning, control and brainwashing used on you. Also you need to feel safe enough to say no to abuse and safety always comes first for anything to be able to change. If you don’t feel safe you can’t stand up for you and you need to feel safe enough to be able to say no. Abuse takes over most of your life and is in every part of it and it takes a lot of hard work to get better. When you have experienced really bad abuse you are terrified of holding any power at all and every action you take can be frightening to you and it will take you some time to overcome your fears and not react to even small things. Your whole belief system is that of being a victim and you are programmed to believe that you will never get any better or things will improve but that is not true it is just abuse. Some of the reasons abusers like you to be a victim is there insecurity, a need to control, their own abuse in there life, opportunity, lack of impulse control, frustration, paranoia, impatience. Having counselling does help a lot with this and will help you to spot patterns that you have and also what some of your beliefs are changing these will make a big difference so that you are able to have a better life and will help to stop you from being a victim when you know more you can then do better in your life.