GET IN CONTACT:
E-MAIL:
info@stopalldomesticviolence.com

Stop All Domestic Violence

What happens when you witness a crime? You don’t have to get involved personally but you can call 000 so the person is helped by emergency services. This is the right thing to do in every case and you can do this anomalously and not give your name and address if you choose. There is nothing worse than a person watching a crime and not helping the person and stopping the crime when they had a chance. It is better to have more than one person report a crime than no one to do the right thing and think” oh some one else can do it” and take responsibility for what just happened and you witnessed. How would you feel if that thing was happening to you? What would you want to happen for you? There is your answer as to what you need to do in this situation. It is better to be wrong about something than “think oh I don’t know or don’t want to cause trouble I might be wrong”. Well you might be right to and you might save a persons life as a result. It’s the best thing to do for everyone.

I was violently sexually assaulted for eight hours when seven and half months pregnant with my son. There was lots of violent fighting all through my home this night between the sexual assaults happening to me. My neighbours at the time across the road stood at their windows and watched this assault take place for hours. I was at the window screaming for my life  trying to get through the bars on the window that kept me trapped in the house with my abusers i clearly saw then watching me for hours. There was no action from them they just stood and watched to my horror while I felt blood was dripping down my legs from my baby inside me from the violent sexual assault. I could of lost my baby as a result of this. I had lost my voice because I had been fighting my abuser for so long and screaming at the top of my voice for so many hours. But my neighbours refused to do anything about it or to help me in any way and I will never, ever forget about that event . I felt complete betrayal from them. They could of rang the police and got me help but they choose to stand at their window and watch for hours doing nothing. I was more angry by this than the sexual assault that happened to me. So if you are a witness to an assault or crime ring 000 please don’t just stand by and watch. You could save a life. You are causing more trauma to the victim by doing nothing and watching and being a passive bystander. Here is a section of the trauma and recovery book by Judith Herman that talks about this in the chapter on captivity and it clearly shows how I felt about this event happening to me page 92-93.

Which side are you on? The victims greatest contempt is often reserved not for the perpetrator, but for the passive bystander. Those who failed to intervene most people don’t know how hard I judge them because I don’t say anything. All I do is cross them off the list forever. These men had there chance to help me and they didn’t respond.

page 95 Moreover she is left with a burden of unexpressed rage against all those who remained indifferent to her fate and who failed to help her.

 

I still have some work to do to forgive these people who watched and did nothing. I have forgiven my abuser but still not forgiven these people who watched all night and did not call the police to stop my eight hour rape.

 

For more information on my true story please look at this website for my bio on voices from inside available soon.

 

 

 

My advice to anyone man or woman going through domestic violence is to stay strong don’t give up you never know what is going to happen and miracles do happen if you keep saying the truth. For years it felt like no one believed me and the truth to what was really going on. So many things happened to me that were abusive and I did not have proof or evidence so I thought. Then years later when I started to read the letters from jail which my abuser had sent to me, I had kept them all. I was so surprised they were fill with evidence of the abuse as he talked about it in his letters. So these became part of my evidence of abuse. Written letters dated signed by his name from Long bay jail they told of a very abusive, controlling, violent relationship and many, many apologies in them for how he had treated me. Then before my rape trial more evidence as to the truth I had talked of being stalked and threatened but there was no real evidence of this until my rape mention. When the policewoman acting on my rape case was threatened by the private Detective hired by my abuser in long bay jail to stop my rape trial.  She was so frightened by this that she rang Maroubra police station and a car load of detectives came to the court and dragged the private detective out of the Waverley court house so my rape trial mention was not stopped. I didn’t know about this until I was at the DPP and the detective for my case was talking to the solicitor for the DPP telling him. The Solicitor for the DPP wanted to put me in police protection to keep me safe. He said your abuser can not do this to us we are the DPP and will not stand for it. He also threatened my solicitor acting for me in the family law court at Parramatta we had to hide in the women’s toilets for our protection as he would not let her file the documents for my case. He also threatened her outside the building held her against the wall of the court building and told her she had to stop representing me or he would close her law firm down.  Then when I went to get AVO’s at Penrith court after the rape trial as he was acquitted in the rape trial not enough  physical evidence. I was not happy that I could not get an avo as he had threatened my life and I knew how violent he really was and he was now on parole in the community. I went to the Ombudsman to investigate my case and I felt I needed an avo for my protection it was investigated by the Inspector at Penrith Police station. Who came back to me weeks later to say that my abuser is already back in long bay jail he had been on parole which was cancelled because everything that had happened to me that I had talked about at the rape trial and the avo hearing had already happened to another victim. It was with Liverpool police station detectives being investigated. As he had raped, kidnapped and beaten, stalked another victim it was too serious for him to be out in the community.

I had also photocopied the letters that talked about the violence in our relationship and gone to long Bay Jail and gave them to his parole officer to read and use. The inspector said to me that if he had done my avo it would of been for two years and I would have had two police officers with me at the court the whole time for protection as i had plenty of evidence as to why I needed an avo but as he is now back in Long bay jail there is no need. I thought I had no evidence no one will believe me as to what has happened to me. Also at my rape trial I was asked to look at the photo of the bedroom with the bars on the windows by the prosecutor for my case. I had to look at the photo and then the jury and tell them what happened in that room. I broke down and couldn’t breath after a couple of times of him saying this loudly to me and looking at the photo and remembering my violent rape while I was in the witness box. I had to be carried out of the witness box because I was so upset from looking at the photo and talking about what had happened in that awful room. The judge stood up at the top of the court room and ordered for me to be carried out of the witness box that no man was allowed to come near me. As the court officer had tried to touch me and I reacted really badly so the judge then ordered for only females to come and help me so my two female social workers both come up and helped me out of the witness box so I could recover from giving evidence. She also ordered for the jury to be dismissed for the day to recover from seeing and hearing my evidence. The jury was so traumatised by what I had said and how I had acted in the witness box so that they had to have the afternoon off to recover from this. The jury knew that some terrible things had happened to me but there was not enough physical evidence for the standard of proof for the court case. Also the detectives at the time of the abuse happening to me had kept a file on me with some of the records of the different assaults and incidents that had happened to me. I did not know about this until before my rape trial when the police at Maroubra were looking for an incident report on the day the policemen came to my home two days after my eight hour rape and I told them what had happened to me. The detective who was investigating my rape case told me about the file that was found on me he said I am really surprised you are still alive after everything that has happened to you. Also my abusers parole officer had a report that I had written up at the time of abuse with a month of incidents in it. I had given it to the police who gave it to his parole officer who then gave it to me to use as more evidence of abuse. Evidence just keep appearing about the history of violence of which I had no knowledge of until I started to take action. Abusers don’t just abuse one person there is usually a trail of evidence that is left and a trail of victims behind them. So don’t give up you never know what it going to come out and support you like what happened for me. Just keep saying the truth and being strong because Karma works in strange way to support you.

 

For more information on my true story you can read my bio Voices from inside available on this website soon.

While I was living in captivity and pregnant I had some terrible experience one was knowing that my baby was being abused mental and physically daily. After the beatings on my body when my fetus would shake from the abuse. I would go to the second bedroom and try to consul my baby. Using my hands to try to heal the abuse my baby had received from my abuser. I was doing a healing on my baby with my hands a reiki healing although at the time I did not know that it was what I was doing. I would continually talk to my baby telling it over and over again to live that I loved it and wanted it to be OK at the time I did not know what the sex of my baby was. I was trapped in a house I had no way to go for help or get medical care. But I did the only thing i could in those hours afterwards which was to tell my baby that I love it and wanted it to live. My fetus would after a while stop shaking and calm down and feel safe again. I would spend hours and hours doing this and rubbing my tummy letting it know in the only way I could that I loved it. I knew my baby hated my abusers voice as my fetus would shake as soon as the shouting started so I was determined to send my baby the message that I loved and wanted it to survive. Even after my baby was born I would spend hours and hours with him in the baby carry attached to me and I would kiss his little head every few minutes. Telling him over and over again that he was loved and wanted. My decision was to reprogram him with the messages that I loved him and wanted him in any way that I could. I also build a team of caring loving family members and support workers around him with lots of photos of all the people who loved him and cared about him in the house for him to look at and see every day. You see I knew that my baby was very affected from the abuse as babies hear and absorb every emotion and word that is said to them both while in the womb and afterwards when born.  I was determined to get as many positive messages to him as I could to somehow repair the damage that was done to him during the beatings with my abuser. Towards the end of my pregnancy I could not get out of the house as the back door and front door were dead locked plus their were security grills on both doors that were locked, their were bars on all the windows too so I was locked in the house with a mad violence man with no escape. As I had escaped the house out of the back door when it was not dead locked earlier on my abuser made the security even more tight so that I could not escape the house when he was asleep and run to the police station for help. The fact that my abuser went to jail for killing the policeman in a domestic saved our lives. Having him in jail meant that I was alone with my baby without my abuser around so I was able to love him in a way that I knew babies needed to be treated. As I was a child care worker I knew what babies needed which is lots of love and kindness which I did all day long for hours of every day for years. I felt so horrible and traumatised from what my baby had lived through I could not do enough for him and to make his life as happy, loving and fun as I could. I wanted to send the message to him that I love you completely and you are my number one today and every day.

So my message to you would be to surround your children and babies with as many positive messages as you can so that they will have as many good experiences as you can. Tell them often that you love them and care about them. Have positive people who love them around them. Read them books that have positive messages in them to educate them. Keep violent shows and negative people away as much as you can. Children learn from what they see and experience around them so think about what your behaviour is as they learn from you. Another thing I did was have positive family members spend time with my baby so he knew there was a team of people around him who loved and cared for him and not jut me. I also organised support organisations to be involved with us so that we had lots of support to help us. There are lots of support agencies out their two that I used were Barnados Australia and a early intervention service called Bevenolent society.  A child who feels loved and cared for will always do better than one who isn’t. So think about what message you are sending to your children.

For more information on my true story you can read my bio voices from inside which will be available on this website soon.

After my sexual assault trial where the abuser was acqutted due to not enough evidence my case worker with the Dpp special victim unit send me a letter to support me. In this letter she wrote messages to support me like “I cannot begin to comprehend what things are like for you as your heart, body and mind begin to try to come to terms with the jury’s decision and what it means for you.   Its natural for you to feel, shock, disbelief, grief, loss and devastation at this time but please so not lose sight of or shut yourself off to the many things you did achieve in coming to court and speaking out.  As a victim you were silenced by fear and confusion about what was happening to you yet now as a survivor you have been able to triumph over fear and speak out publicly about what happened. In doing so you have embraced a new identity as a survivor and a person of enormous courage, spirit, persistence, determination and resilience something Peter can never take away from you.” Then she said at the end of the letter ” I urge you to connect with the sense that the best justice comes from defying the programming that torture, trauma, and brutality seeks to imprint upon survivors by being like a phoenix rising from the ashes and making your life everything that is not about what abuse is designed to give rise to.”  She also send me some sayings to read.

I have been victimised

I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.

I did not ask for the fight. I lost.

There is no shame in losing such fights, only in winning.

I have reached the stage of survivor and am no longer a slave of victim status.

I look back with sadness rather than hate.

I look forward with hope rather than despair.

I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember.

I was a victim.

I was a survivor. ( ochberg 1988)

 

The survivor who accomplishes recovery faces the future and life with few illusions but with gratitude. Her view of life may be tragic, but for that very reason she has learned to cherish laughter. She has a clear sense of what is important and what is not. Having encountered evil, she knows how to cling to what is good. Having encountered fear of serious harm and or death, she know how to celebrate life.

 

So my message to you is no matter what happened to you remember to raise above it and value and love yourself and have the best life that you can. You know the truth of what happened to you and karma always plays out without you having to do anything. Just get on with your life and take good care of you healing yourself in what ever way feels good to you. But have your best life and remember to use kindness when are where ever you can. Your speaking out can help another victim to do better and to get justice and if you think the system needs to change then write a letter and make a phone call you could be the difference to another victims life and isn’t a great thing to do for another victim like you.

 

 

 

So what is co-dependency it is relying on another person for lots of things and sometimes you can even try to be them. If you are co dependant on another person I know how that  feels because I was for the first part of my life very co-dependant on my twin sister for everything. Where she would have to do lots of things for me and she would even answer for me. I very rearly spoke and if I did it was just to just comply with what she wanted. All the decisions were ones where she would make them and I would just go along with her. It took a long time of slow progress and little steps for me to be myself to learn to do things myself.  To do my own thing and to realize that I had separate goals and dreams to her and that really we were not the same at all for a while I felt like we were the same person for the first part of my life. With identitical twins it can be hard because lots of people are telling you continually that you are the same and with us people would say when we were different you can’t be different you have to be the same you are identical twins whenever we would do something different than the other. So with twins it is really important when they are young to treat them as individuals even if they are identical twins. Let them be alone have their own friends and always treat them as seperate people with their own goals. They have their own needs you need to dress them differently and also address them by their name not “the Twins” We would even get a combined present for birthdays and Christmas which makes you feel you are just one person which is not the case at all. Another problem was that we were also bought up in bad domestic violence so this also affected us alot and caused us to have low self esteem and safety issues where we could cling to each other for our safety and would always be together for everything holding hands sleeping in the same bed playing with the same toy never ever apart needing each other to feel safe again and whole.

Lots of people in domestic violence are co-dependant on their partner and with abuse you often end up doing and saying less until the other person completely controls everything and you end up co-dependant on them for your life.  Co-dependency is no good for anyone no one really wins by doing this and we all need to be ourselves and to do our own thing and own our behaviour. Those with low self esteem, poor personal development and addictions or mental health issues often have co- dependency issues. People with co-dependancy issues will value the other person more than themselves which is wrong and not healthy. It is not a good place to be and the sooner you realize this the better and the healthier your life will be. Learn to do your own things and not be reliant on another person for your needs and choices. Those who are like this need to get some help and learn better ways of being and becoming your own person with your own feelings and needs and taking personal responsibilty for your life. Often those affected by domestic violence will stay with an abusive person because they feel so down on themselves that they think they can’t exist without the other person being with them. I know that this was the case for me I felt so useless and low on myself that I felt I needed my abuser to do everything for me and make decisions for me. It was another reason why I could not mentally leave him I was so co-dependant on him for everything I needed emotional, finanical and physical needs were all controlled by him.  It was a hugh shock to me when he was gone that I was now the one in control and I found that very frightening as he had been in complete control of my life and everything for so long.  But it was also good and empowering to finally be safe and not have violence in my life to be able to look after my baby in the way I knew babies needed to be looked after. It took awhile for me to realize that I was actually safe and that I could do what I wanted with my life again. I took very small steps to own my life again and have the control back. I keep waiting for someone to come in and do it for me because I had been conditioned by my abuser that I was not capable of doing anything on my own. I was that useless and crazy and no good for anything and that I needed him to live and do it all for me.

We have all heard of positive reinforcement but what is it really. It is commenting on what is good. When I worked in preschool I used it with little kids and was very popular to use with little kids to get improved behaviour. Little kids love it and they really shine when you use it. But really you can use it anywhere and with anyone. When you comment on what is good you get more of that happening which is great.  Adults really love it too so you can use it with adults and anywhere where you want a improved situation to occur. It is a great tool that I use often. It is more positive and happier to talk about what it good because who really wants to hear someone saying bad things about others all the times it is very depressing and we don’t need that. Also it is very upsetting to say the negative things about someone and makes them feel even worse than before it actually does not help them at all. I think it is important to lift others up and to make them feel better and happier not worse. So always look for the good the positive that is there because there will be lots of good available for you to look at. So if you want a situation to improve and get better just look for the good that is there and talk about that and then you will find more and more good things that are there. You will be amazed at how this works and how many good things you can find when you look for it. Also how the situation will get better look for the helpers those that are making things better and positive and promote and talk about them so get more of that happening. When bad things are happening this is what I do to improve the situation so that it will get better. It also follows Law of attraction and gratitude you get what you think about and what you talk about. When you are grateful for what you have you get more things to be grateful for and the situation always improves. It is how those that like to think positive act they look at the positives and don’t worry about the negative at all forget about them. It is a great tool that couples can use to improve their relationship tell your partner some things that you love about them and see how their behaviour changes for the better and how much nicer they are to be with. It makes them want to be with you and they will put more effort into the relationship so it is better. You could use this in a work place too and you will see a difference  to how everyone is and acts. This is such a great way to improve your situation for the better with some simple kind caring words to others. It is something we can all do to make our family our community and even the world better. I love positive reinforcement it is so cool cause everyone wins and does well as a result. Next time you want to tell someone how bad they are stop and look for something good in the situation you will feel better, the person will feel better and do better and the whole world will be better as a result of this. So lets all use positive reinforcement to get our lives better and the world better.

Educate Yourself About Your Condition

 

One of the best things that you can do if you are told you have PTSD is to educate yourself about your condition so you know all about it. Get books out of the library to read or buy them on line. You can also look on line for information or ask at crisis centres and help angencies they have lots of helpful information too. Doing courses is also a great way to educate yourself because when you know more you do better. There is also a list of books I recommend for woman and men to read about domestic violence and trauma it is on the charity website www.stopalldomesticviolenceinc.com. There are some really good books about trauma that talk about what happens to you and your body when you have experienced trauma. When you understand what is happening to you it will make you feel less frightened and you can spot what your body is doing. Also you will know what you can do to get it back to feeling safe and happy again. Here are some of the great books that I have found that helped me to do better and know what is happening to me and how to deal with trauma so I can recover better and sooner. You will find lots of great information and tips about what helps your condition what other trauma victims have found helpful and works for them. Remember an abuser is responsible for your abuse,  but you as a victim are responsible for your recover and becoming a survivor and doing as well as you can again. So use these tools to help you because you will do so much better and your life will improve in so many great ways. You don’t need to think of PTSD as a life sentence because there are also things like NLP from a life coach and healing courses which I have found to be very helpful and healing for me to use as a way to get better and improve my condition. I would reccomend these as a way to help your condition and get better. Here are the best books I have found so far that I recommend you to read.

Trauma and Recovery Judith Herman M.D

The Body Keeps The Score Bellel Van Der Kolk

( He is the world expert in PTSD and has spent his life researching what happens to the brain when it has been through trauma or triggered by trauma).

This book is really amazing and life changing there are lots of pictures to show what he is talking about and how the brain deals with trauma.

It is easy to read and lots of helpful tips for victims to use of what he has found helped victims to heal and do better.

The Brain that changes itself Norman Doidge M.D

The Complex PTSD Workbook Arielle Schwartz

 

 

Pick your friends from values they have

 

Today I would like to tell a true story that happen  to me. I was at home with my son who was about three years old. We were in the kitchen at the table and Jim was colouring in pictures and Andry a African man came to our house to see me. He was a business advisor I met him at the business meetings in the local community. He had been helping me for about four months with my business and also teaching me about advertising information and my son knew and talked to him often. I made Andry a cup of tea and we were talking in the kitchen with Jim there colouring in on spare paper. Jim started to draw a picture of Andry and to colour it in black crayons. I looked at the picture and said to Jim you are colouring in the picture black. Jim said back to me well Andry is black I looked up at Andry and laughed and said oh yes he is too smiling at Andry. You see I had never noticed his colour his race. He was just this beautiful man who came to my house every day to help me with my business. I was a struggling single mum running a business and he was helping me in so many ways and supporting me and his race his colour of his skin had never mattered to me I hadn’t even noticed that he was black. He was a kind and caring man who was helping me for free when I needed help and was alone. When I could afford it I would take him out to lunch for helping me in so many ways it was my way of saying thank you to him for his wonderful help and kindness to me. For many years he was a wonderful friend and I will never forget him and the kindness to me and my son. I have had friends of many races papua new Gunia, Asia, indian, Fiji and Maori to name a few they have all enriced my life in wonderful ways.

The moral of this story is to never to judge a person from their skin colour and race because we all have gifts we all matter in  this world. Some of the greatest, nicest people are the people of other races and skins. Its not important what colour their skin is what matters is how they treat you, what they do in the world and how they behave also what their values are. These are the things that matter not skin colour or race ever. So my advice is to always pick your friends from the values they hold and their behaviour because colour of skin is of no importance at all. There are good and bad people from every race and colour on our planet.

We all need to be treated as equal and if you see someone being racist or attacking another race you need to stand up and say no not ok. It is up to all of us to stop this bad behaviour when we see it occuring so that everyone is treated the same. Because we all matter we all have the same needs and feelings and a right to live in the world feeling loved and accepted with the same rules. We can all protest in a safe and caring peaceful way when we see bad things happening around us. Never ever use violence or antisocial behaviour to get your point across as no one wins doing this. I even have different skinned children in some of my books for sale.www.writetodeducate.com.

 

 

Psychopaths and Domestic Violence

 

I lived with a psychopath in domestic violence and it did my head in because I could never win no matter what I did I lost everytime. It was a crazy game that I lived in for months and years trying my hardest to do well and get out of the situation that I was in and to improve things.  All that happened was that continual mind games where played with me. I kept thinking this person can’t be this bad because here they are trying to help me so there must be some good in them. But true psychopaths don’t care about anyone else its all about them and what they need. I finally had enought and bravely left him and had a better life. While I was having counselling my counsellor told me about a book called living with a psychopath he suggested that I read it and I did. It was such a  revolution to get educated about this. What a true psychopath is and often you don’t think the person is a psychopath as they are in the background being very quite.  What you don’t realise is that many psychopaths are in the background purposely making things around you fail. Not all psychopaths are loud and aggressive most are hidden in the background doing things behind your back. I found it really healing and helpful to read about this and the book goes on to talk about if there is a business or project that is failing quite often there will be a psychopath there somewhere causing trouble to you and your life and the best thing you can do is leave quitely. That you can’t win with them and their behaviour. The book was called “Living with a Psychopath by Tim Merchant” its a great read and very educational tool to have so you can spot a  psychopath and keep your distance.

 

Here are the Common Signs that some one is a Psychopath

Socially irresponsible behaviour

Disgarding or violating others rights

Inability to distringuish between right and wrong

Difficulty with showing remorse when done the wrong thing

Often lie

Will Manipulate and hurt others knowingly

 

The Difference Between a Psychopath and a Sociopath

 

Psychopaths are more manipulative they are more charming.

They lead a more normal life. they do some criminal activity

Sociopaths are more erratic-rage prone. they can’t lead a normal life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am not talking about when you fly off the handle on a bad day or get triggered by something and you respond. But when you have purposely knowningly done something hurtful and upsetting to someone to hurt them. What you do to others will come back to you in someway at sometime in the future. It all matters so as much as possible think of the other person and try to do good where ever you can to help and send love to another person. None of us are perfect we all make mistakes and do the wrong thing and in these cases say sorry to the person and work on doing better next time. I  always try to think of the greatest good for all what would be the best outcome for everyone. Another way to look at the situation is to think how could I make this situation better what could I do to help. When you work on the greatest good everyone wins and does better and that is what you want. When bad things happen to you they can test you and be upsetting but sometimes it is to make you even stronger than before. If what has happened is really upsetting take a break until you feel better but don’t give up. Go back when you feel stronger and sometimes you might need to work at it bit by bit so you are not overwhelmed by what is happening. That is ok if that is all you can do but keep moving forward in some way even in tiny steps this is ok to do this.

When someone is hurting you purposely it is about them not you. It just means there is more work  for them to do in this area of their life. Keep moving forward with your progress and getting better and let them deal with their own issues. Karma and the universe will catch up to them at some time in the future for their bad acts the universe takes note of what we all do. It may not be fair but sometimes you can not do anything about a situation. Just keep moving forward and doing the best that you can. I think to myself how sad that person is like that and has to hurt someone else to make themselves feel better or more powerful. They must be in a lot of emotional pain to do that to someone how awful is that a way to live. Cos really they are just hurting themselves when they hurt you. If you need to see a counsellor this is a great idea or find some way to heal your emotional pain like a course, a book to read or something spritual that helps you. If you still feel anger write a letter to the person to get your feelings out don’t sent it the letter is for your benefit. You can also do some exercise to help you to feel better.

You need to learn to forgive the person for what they did to you and that can be hard too it takes lots of work on you to really forgive someone for what they have done to you.  The more you can forgive someone the more you can move on and have a better life. When you have an understanding that we are all doing the best we can with the knowledge and skills we have and none of us are perfect we are all work in progress. The more you can understand this and forgive them for their bad acts against you the better you will be. Carrying anger is not good for anyone so you need to find a way to release the anger that you feel. So you can forgive them for what they have done to you. Being angry only makes you physically sick and no one wins then. Don’t worry about pay back or anything like that the universe will take care of them in it’s own way at the right time. Just worry about you getting better and healing in any way that you need to or feels right for you. The skill of forgiving gets better and easier the more you practice and understand about things. Just because you have forgiven them does not mean that what happened to you is ok. It just means that you have personally forgiven them for what they did to you.Forgivenss is for you and the person to heal from what happened.