This Information Is from My Domestic Violence Course, Self- Esteem Course, Court Handouts, Also Local Crisis Centre, Harvesting Wisdom Workbook, My Own Experiences, Research And Downloads From Source. It can not be copied, used or stolen from me as it is copyrighted.

Assertive Behaviour

Expresses their own feelings using “I statements.” Being honest and true to their own integrity, goals and values. All is aligned and working with them for the best outcome. They want everyone to win and to do well in life. They stand up for others and themselves, for their rights, respects and rights of all. They want a good outcome for all, they operate from a love base from inside them. They love themselves and all on mother earth. They have good self- awareness and self- respect and good self- esteem. They respect every one and want things to be fair for everyone. They use “I statements” from personal experiences, opinions, feelings, and needs. They are self aware, take responsibilities for their own feelings, and results in life. Their needs can’t be contradicted, are accurate in what they say, don’t damage the relationships around them, or anyone’s credibility as they are empowering to all. Avoid others issues, stick to the facts of the matter, stating your feelings and what you would like to see happening here. You are not helping anyone to be silent, when you need to be speaking up as you are showing your agreement when you stay quiet here. Your silence is taken as agreeing with what is happening for you. We become aware of our own behaviour, how we are acting whether passive, submissively, aggressive or assertively? We are clear to those involved about what we want to achieve, the state of our needs and wants. We don’t manipulate with others in any way. Instead we develop a plan of what behaviour we need to show in order to achieve our goals. So what behaviour do you need to show here! An “I statement” expresses your feelings in a clear, clean, honest way with no judging, blaming, name calling, you are explaining how the situation is for you, which gives a clear message. You are also enabling the other person to answer without their defences up. An “I statement” is the feeling provoked by a behaviour. We always start with an “I statement” to express ourselves. When we are assertive we are increasing our self- esteem our sense of identity. We are more assertive, we are thinking, feeling, behaving in an effective, satisfying way with others. We are not hitting out, or running away from ourselves, in a confrontational way.Their is no conformity with others with our negative feelings, and how their behaviour affected you directly.

Is your voice calm?

We can ask ourselves if we are serious, believable, good humoured?

Is your body language closed or open, distant?

How is your eye contact do you have a sincere expression or not?

Are you non-threatening?

Are you non-defensive in your gestures?

How is your attitude?

Are you patient, gentle, good- willed to others?

You can rehearse the situation with someone before hand using a counsellor, friend, or family member or yourself. Anticipate any possible reactions from the other person or person’s then plan what your response is going to be. Choose the best time to act and be aware of the situation, your emotional conditions you have, and the appropriateness of this. Acting this way will give you the best chance of success for you. If you have to express at a time you know is not the best time for you you can say “I am feeling very angry, upset or confused so I will talk to you later.” After you have talked you can then afterwards review what happened for you, how you did. How you used your assertive skills that you learnt here both the positive and the negative that happened for you. Look at any consequences and any changes you need to take to do better in this and write these down to use for you next time.

Assertive Communication

Being assertive is a fixed position it is acting out of high self- esteem, between the two extremes of being passive or aggressive and dominant in a situation we are in. It is making our own choices, respecting ourselves and others. Not having to have others approval to feel loved, and OK to take a stand for what matters to us, dealing with conflicts openly, and fairly, feeling good with ourselves, and others. Consequences are a win/win for everyone, closer healthy, satisfying, relationships, no loss or energy, high self-esteem. It is a win/ win for everyone.

Everyone matters to them, they need to feel fair for all beings. They are saying “I want everyone to win here.” Their communication is open, clean, clear, honest communications, self- expressive, high self- esteem. Power sharing and respect for all is used here. They believe that every one matters to me. They show functional behaviours that are assertive in nature.

Good Communication Requires Assertiveness

These are three styles that we can use in our communication these are non- assertive, passive, submissive. If we are non-assertive this can be passive, submissive or aggressive, here you don’t express what you are really feeling. You hide this in your thoughts, feelings and wants to others like you. As you are a people pleaser and say yes to others when you should say no! You don’t cause conflicts and say yes all the time. You could dislike them, but you still do what they want you to do in submission, they may not understand you at all. When we are assertive it can seem we are destructive for speaking out and this can cause unhappiness and problems in our relationships. Assertive person respects their own rights and others too. The key here is their assertion is respectful to all. An assertive person speaks for themselves using I, me, mine, my statements in their communication. They also say You, own, your, opinion in truth statements. They will make comfortable eye contact with you when talking to you. They listen to what others have to say, they respect others, believe all people unless shown otherwise, they don’t believe others have to agree with them, and are aware they have a choice as to being assertive with others around them.